love: risk

Photo Credit: Pinterest

R-I-S-K.

Risk: a four letter word that seems to be dangerous enough as it is on its own.

A part of every aspect of human life. A word often with a negative connotation ...A board game?

NYU Stern School of Business defines risk plain and simply as: "Risk = Probability of an accident" in Chapter 1: What is Risk? In the corporate world, what's at risk here? Money? Integrity?

How about in the world of love?

Well... that's a loaded question.

Every day, we take a risk. We get into cars and onto roads trusting not only ourselves but strangers to operate heavy, all too dangerous machinery. We speak up in class. There's always the "risk" of being wrong, which, of course, is more important to some and less important to others -- either way, it's still a risk. And last but not least, we risk it in love: love with our friends, family, significant others. My belief is that love is unconditional, but regardless, there's always that sliver of thought that for some reason, that other person won't love you back.

NYU Stern continues build on their definition of risk by adding this next component. The Chinese symbol for risk is made up of two characters: danger and opportunity. Reading this really resonated with me. The symbol embodies both aspects -- which I think we tend to forget when looking at risk. There are two sides to risk: Danger -- the heartbreak, the pain, the rejection; and Opportunity: the beauty, love, the butterflies.

Photo Credit: Google

 

It all goes back to Mr. Wit. There are still so many obstacles for the two of us to face. I was walking home from my trip to the local farmers' market yesterday and got caught in the rain. It was thrilling, electrifying, and cold all at the same time. As I soaked in the rain, I let my mind wander where it wanted to: right to Mr. Wit. We've engaged in this flirtation for quite some time now and there were many moments where I'd stop and say to myself: "Why the hell am I still doing this?" There's so much unknown and so many risk factors that were big signs that said: "Turn around and save yourself the heartbreak." So why still stay?

The answer is plain and simple: Mr. Wit is worth the risk. Let's take a look.

The danger:

I think back to the countless amounts of times I go over in my head the facts I wish to ignore: the friend with benefit -- his, not mine; work place complications; the fear of attachment -- mine, not his; the age difference; the ex factor; is he really ready for something again? These are only few of the many obstacles we have yet to face but are ominously looming over my shoulder. I mean, what if ends badly? What happens if I hurt him? What if I start to depend on him? All things that one fears when heading for the big 'R' word: relationship.

The opportunity:

Love. For the first time... in a long time ever, I feel like I've gotten it right. Not in the sense of everything's perfect and fine and fabulous, but in the way that it feels right. The situation is messy and complicated and probably shouldn't have gone as far as it did. That's exactly it. It probably shouldn't have gone as far as it did but yet here we are. Mr. Wit and I feel right in the sense that we get to let go of the masks we've put up for the outside world and just to be together. Mr. Wit makes me feel incredibly happy and so damn good. I don't have those reservations like with S or Mr. Too Available. Although it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, all I want to do is throw my heart at him and say: "Here. When the time comes, please grind it into a million pieces. As for now, you can have this for a while."

I was working the other day and in the midst of talking to customers and folding over priced clothing, I had a thought. Scratch that. I had many thoughts. Too many thoughts. I don't want to be a part of your game, I thought to myself. With Mr. Wit and his friend with benefit (more on that next week), sometimes I feel like I've weaved myself into this web of polyamory and I'm not quite sure how. What if he doesn't pick me? I've endured months of -- since March, actually -- of someone else is still in the picture. "Sticking it out", really. Then things got serious between me and Mr. Wit and our relationship changed.

Forcing myself to pull my head from the clouds, some valid questions began to formulate in that over-analyzing brain of mine. Our relationship changed so does that mean theirs has? What does it mean for them? What if he wakes up one day and decides we were a mistake? What if he picks her? Does he know he has to choose? As well as the revelation of, He can't have both of us. Thank you, neurotic, over-active, over-analyzing brain of mine. And then it hit me. I stepped into the ring and put on the boxing gloves, ready and eager to enter the fight a long, long time ago. I've been fighting for him since... well, since I realized I had feelings for him which was back in February. I've been in the game for almost four months now.

So why, J? Why all this trouble for this guy? He's just a guy. Usually, I'd nod my head at my voice of reason and say: "You're right. He IS just a guy and there are plenty of other one's out there. This one's just too risky and if I step away now, I can protect myself from the hurt that's to come later. If I do it now, it won't hurt as much as if I'm in too deep later on."

But not this one. This one isn't just a guy with plenty of others out there. This one's special. I can just feel it. That's a lie. I know he's special. I would've taken off the boxing gloves a long time ago if he wasn't. It's the way his mind is so attractive. It's the way I find him so incredibly sexy when he speaks so passionately about music. It's the witty banter that passes back and forth between us. It's the way that, with one touch, I'm like putty in his hands. It's the way he sends me into a frenzy too.

Yeah. This one's pretty hard to come by, actually.

This one's worth the risk. 

Yours,

-- J