Photo Credit: Pinterest.com
So I said that I'd get updated... and yet weeks have gone by and no posting. I know, I know... I'll get better at this, I promise! Instead of trying to make up for all of it, I've decided that I'm going to just catch you up on what's been going on in one long, epic post.
Now where did I leave off..?
Oh, yes! Breakfast with Mr. Wit and trying to figure out what the hell was going on between us pretty quickly. Well, we did and it's been quite an odd story that has only just begun. But let me back up to the beginning, first.
The week after breakfast was great. We were texting every day and before the every show he'd send me something telling me to have a good show in his own quirky, goofy way -- always bringing a smile to my face. And then that Friday night, he picked me up around midnight after our Friday night performance, taking me back to his apartment for a night of good music, good talk, laughter, and back massages. Can't really argue with that, right? That week was followed by more fun and games with Mr. Wit. One night he biked over to my place and we walked over to the river to just sit on the dock and enjoy each other's company.
The thing I love most of about Mr. Wit is how I get to let my hair down with him. I get to be myself (a big goofball), do silly things, and just laugh -- and I believe that when you find someone you can really do that with, you should keep them around because it's pretty damn rare.
But like I said before, I better figure out what was going on before I fall too hard. And that's just it. I can hear the little voice in my head asking myself: "What's wrong with what you're doing? You two are having fun. Why need clarity?" But that's just it. After about a month of daily texts, late night dock visits, watching movies, baking together, and laughing together till 3 am, there was no kissing and I knew it was time to get down to the bottom of things.
"I mean... what're we doing... because sometimes it feels like it's more than just friends?" I asked, nervously. I didn't know how else to bring it up and it kind of just came tumbling out of my mouth. Like ripping off a band-aid. I told him that it felt like we were trapped in this awkard grey area/limb-like land and that I just needed some clarification. He completely agreed. The conversation got heavy after that and he responded that he really didn't know what we were doing, but at the moment he wasn't looking for anything. And I completely understand.
Little did I know that Mr. Wit had gotten out of a six year relationship barely a year ago -- the barely a year ago part I had no idea about. I'm glad we had the talk. I think he and I learned a lot about each other from it. What he's learned from relationships is that they're limiting and it's obvious that he's terrified of feeling so tied down again like that. He confessed me to me that he's terrified of hurting me as well and thinks that he'd break me. It just felt he was trying to push me farther and farther away.
What hurt about that, was that it felt like he was asking me not to care about him which is something I can't do. Believe I tried. I tried to not care and just to mash it down and look where that got us! Closer than ever. So I asked, "So did I make this all up in my head?" And he shook his head, "No, I think you were just responding to what I was giving you." We agreed to not let things get awkward and to keep things between us the same and that we didn't want to lose each other just yet. Essentially, he's not ready. It became clear that in our conversation that he was thinking with his head and I was thinking with my heart. It's actually a little creepy how much Mr. Wit is like Mr. Big. Not in the regards of being a total asshole sometimes, but he's got that old, nostalgic charm and the way he pushes me buttons verbally with all the witty wordplay. We also tease each other about age the way that Carrie and Big do (e.g. "Blood, sweat, and tears? Wow. Shouldn't this be in a museum?" "Be nice." Season 4, episode 18).
Regardless of our agreement, things between us were awkward a little that following week which was even more uncomfortable because we were just starting two new projects together. We kept professional and then the personal relationships began to fill in again and that Friday, I went over to his place to hang out.
It was perfect and just what we needed. We had said that we'd keep things the way that they were, but how do you do that? That Friday was a reminder for the both of us that we could resume whatever we were doing. The trickiest part, however, was that the flirtatious aspect was always apart of us and remained. And that's when it hit me. The most painful part of this whole "keeping things the way that they are" thing was that when we're together, it feels like he's mine.
The next week was hard. We saw each other when we were in the work each day but the personal conversation got less and less. And I realized why it was so hard, especially the idea that he did feel like mine when we were together. The version of him that I know, IS mine. That person I get to let my guard down and just be myself with IS mine and no one else's. If you really think about it, it's true. That's the person you know and you're going to love that person in your very own way.
"Wait, there's more? So why the hell stay, J?" is what I'm sure you're asking and I've got one simple answer for you. I care about him. Damn it, feelings! But he is my friend first and I truly do care about him. I just want him to know that I care about him for him -- not for any alterior motive but because he's an amazing guy.
And this is where the lines get blurry and the grey area makes a reappearance. Well, the grey area was always there, it just got... more grey, if that makes any sense.
Last Thursday, I went over to Mr. Wit's to watch a movie which progressed instead to life talk and a couple of beers, along with hanging out with his roommate. The night ended, however, in a tickle fight. When a man tells you that he isn't looking for anything and then you end up holding his hands to keep him from tickling you, his forehead pressed against yours, you're a little confused, am I right?!
I'm not overly distraught about like I usually would be, but I'm starting to get the idea that he may not know in his brain, but he somewhere there, he does know how he feels.
Again, I'm not waiting around, but the option is not closed.
And I think it's for the best that Mr. Wit and I don't start anything soon. I'm leaving in about week when school gets out to go back home, exactly 1,365.6 miles away from here. He's made it clear that he can't do long distance again like he did with his ex and I would never want to do that to him. I also don't think it's wise to start a relationship and then try for 3 months, something we really don't even know about.
I also think, especially now that I will 1,365.6 miles away, I need to focus on me again. I think Mr. Wit and I got a little addicted to having someone again, and I think us taking a step back is a good idea. I can finally take time to myself without having to worry about texting someone or planning something with anyone. I can just breathe and be. And with all this time, I've forgotten how not too bad company I am. To love someone else means you've got to love yourself first, right?
Who knows what next year will hold for us? Maybe by August, he'll be ready to tell me how he feels. Maybe it'll go the other direction. As of now, I'm just enjoying the time we have together because really, our friendship is what comes first.
So I'll leave you with these words,
Photo Credit: Pinterest.com
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