Photo Credit: Pinterest.com
Okay. It's official. I suck at this whole blogging/updating on a regular basis kind of thing. I feel like someone should be throwing tomatoes at me or something... Anyways, since my last post was almost two months ago, I thought we'd have another coffee date to catch up. Sound wonderful, yes? We'd sit down at some little college town coffee shop where their coffee is cheap and the baked goods are fresh and delicious. I'd order a café au lait and insist on paying for your coffee as one of many ways to make up for my being such a shitty friend.
If we were on a coffee date, I'd tell you that my life has been... well, let's just say that calling it eventful would be somewhat of an understatement. I'll start from where we left off in the story of Mr. Wit. Man, this is like a dark and twisty fairy tale with many ups and many, many downs.
Last I remember writing about was our unresolved situation. Me + him + friend with benefit = 2 out of the 3 very unsatisfied people.
What I was saving for another post, and never got to it, was the story of his friend with benefit. Perhaps I'll revisit the idea but for now, I'll deliver the cliff notes version. Essentially, she is polyamorous, which was something I had no idea about until I got involved with Mr. Wit. In my opinion, it takes commitment issues to the next level. Or perhaps, for those who over-commit. Sorry, I'm getting off track here. The important part of the story is that the friend with benefit -- we'll call her Mercury for the sake of anonymity -- was a little more than a friend with benefit. The whole idea of polyamory is that you love multiple people, meaning... she was essentially a girlfriend... with other boyfriends as well.
I know. Blew my mind too. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea but to be honest, it has left a horrible taste in my mouth.
Mercury has been amazing for Mr. Wit, as much as I hate to admit it. She found him in a point of his life that was very dark, and it was like someone turning on a light for the first time in years for him. She's also been terrible for him. The multiple partners, the deep hurt, he felt terrible every day.
When Mr. Wit and I actually got involved, he was still seeing her. To be honest, I wasn't quite sure exactly what I was getting into and kept saying 'yes' when he kept asking "are you sure?" Just by the way he talked about the whole affair, he was unhappy and didn't want to do the whole polyamory thing anymore. But that was just it. What I didn't understand, and what I do now, is that he was trying it out too. The way he explains it is that he really felt like he had no choice, which is understandable. If you're with someone choosing to live that lifestyle and you're not happy with it, the only options are to try it or end it.
So after many tears, long, late night talks, arguments, and very deeply hurt feelings on both of our ends, Mr. Wit finally ended things with Mercury.
In a previous post, I mentioned "putting on the boxing gloves." If we're going with the whole boxing analogy, this is a good way to describe it: I entered the ring, kept my guard up, threw in a couple of punches, and gave it my all And he picked me.
Now they agreed to still be friends and everything, which I get and am happy for him. Am I uncomfortable with it? Of course, but she makes him happy and that's all I want. I want him to be happy.
A week later, Mr. Wit uttered those three words, eight letters.
Hopefully more on that in a separate post.
I was overjoyed, my heart bursting out of my chest, and tears close to pouring out of my eyes. What did I say? Of course I said it back. I had been waiting to say those words. I hadn't exactly been planning on saying them any time soon, but perhaps when we got back to school -- see how things were going. But there we were -- the timing not exactly the best, 1,365.6 miles away from each other, recently broken up -- saying those words and at that moment, that's all that mattered.
Despite the distance, things have gotten really serious between me and Mr. Wit. We've made plans to meet up this summer when he goes to another city for a job and I pass through. We've made plans for me to meet his family. That's just it. We've made plans. We've made plans to do things together way far in the future, like December, far into the future. Now, I know that doesn't sound like a long time from now, but it's six months away. You never know what could happen in six months. And yet, here we are... making plans.
Things had been going great between us up until this past weekend where we talked about a sensitive subject for the both of us: Mercury. As I mentioned earlier, they decided to stay friends which I support and I understand. They had seen each other for the first time last week and had a talk about lingering feelings. It's barely been a month and the compassionate part of me understands completely. She had been with him for a year -- a very important year -- of his life and had been a best friend. How do you not miss that? It takes longer than a month to not feel the same way about a person that you're so used to feeling that way about. So yes. Wanting to kiss that person? Totally normal.
But another part of me is so hurt by that. When Mr. Wit told me, I could feel the walls of my room closing in on me and it was like someone had taken a vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the air of it. The idea of them together haunts me. It's like being punched in the stomach over and over before the attacker finally puts you out of your misery and just rips your heart out of your chest. Okay, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic but heartbreak is a painful thing. It kills me that he still gets really down about her because 1. I can't do anything to help 2. He's still upset about someone else 3. It makes me mad at her for being so damn selfish. And to some extent, it feels like he cheated. Having a talk with another girl about their feelings and how they still wanted to kiss each other? It's devastating.
The important thing to remember here, and something I need to keep remind myself is that he didn't. He didn't kiss her and he told me about all of that and for that, I am so grateful and thankful for.
But in the moment I was so hurt that I feel like I kind of just spewed my feelings out and I know it hurt him too. Honestly, part of me wonders if he knows how hurt and torn up I get about all of this and I think that's why I said a lot of the things I said. It breaks my heart to hear about her -- especially something like that -- every time. I'm also a little mad at myself for letting myself get up caught up in this fantasy. I don't usually do this -- let myself make plans, and be this vulnerable with someone, trust this much, depend on them for certain things.. I don't. And I have and just for a moment, I watched all of it slip through my fingers before returning to me. But when they returned -- the plans and hopes for us -- they were tainted with a reality check.
Ever since our talk, I notice myself making plans or dwelling on happy thoughts and before I know it, that little voice that warns me to be cautious and to protect myself and to not get my head stuck in the clouds is speaking louder than ever.
And he's been a little weird ever since we talked. I don't think it's just the fact that the conversation didn't go very well between us but also other things that we talked about that are plaguing his mind (Mercury). Communication hasn't be great the past few days and he ignored any attempt I make at trying to lend a helping hand.
It may just be the ridiculously, irrational, overly emotional part of me that is waiting for the end. I know I'm being a little stupid, but I feel like I need to be prepared for everything.
Something I realized from all of this was just how much I really love him. It's sad that we don't realize how much we love, appreciate, and adore something or someone until it's threatened to be taken away. Little reactions or responses that have been normal with Mr. Wit -- let's just call them Mr. Wit-isms -- haven't occurred and when provoked, the Mr. Wit-isms wouldn't be there and it would catch me off guard and almost sting a little. That's one way I knew something was off today. I realized how much I take it them for granted as well and if we get back to a good place again, I can't tell you how stinkin' much I will appreciate them. Or really, just him. The prospect of losing him is devastating and makes me realize how much I love him. This isn't a silly school girl crush. This is the real deal.
I'm conflicted with all of this though. Last month, we had another argument like this that left me a mess for days. We've built this beautiful, safe, trusting thing together and yet it gets shaken to the core once or twice a month. It leaves me feeling like I've already lost him. I'm not sure how I get out of that funk but eventually I do. On one side is that voice in my head that warns me to be cautious and not give all of myself away but on the other side is this want to be vulnerable and to share myself with someone in the way that I already have.
But then something like this happens and the former side takes over once again. It's like there's this war going on inside my body and I'm not sure which side I want to win more.
And then there's this third side that says: "People are mean and I expect this from many of them but not you. You weren't supposed to be the one to make me feel this heavy heart."
Communication has been sucky and yet all I want right now is him. Isn't funny how when we're hurt, the remedy is really just the person who hurt us in the first place? Yeahh.. not so much funny. More painfully complicated and exhausting.
All I want right now is to be wrapped up in the sheets with him, legs intertwined, bodies warm, arms around each other and every opportunity to just reach up and kiss him.
They really meant it when they said this love stuff wasn't easy, huh?
It was good catching up with you and I hope to be a less shitty friend in the near future.
-- J