love: risk

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R-I-S-K.

Risk: a four letter word that seems to be dangerous enough as it is on its own.

A part of every aspect of human life. A word often with a negative connotation ...A board game?

NYU Stern School of Business defines risk plain and simply as: "Risk = Probability of an accident" in Chapter 1: What is Risk? In the corporate world, what's at risk here? Money? Integrity?

How about in the world of love?

Well... that's a loaded question.

Every day, we take a risk. We get into cars and onto roads trusting not only ourselves but strangers to operate heavy, all too dangerous machinery. We speak up in class. There's always the "risk" of being wrong, which, of course, is more important to some and less important to others -- either way, it's still a risk. And last but not least, we risk it in love: love with our friends, family, significant others. My belief is that love is unconditional, but regardless, there's always that sliver of thought that for some reason, that other person won't love you back.

NYU Stern continues build on their definition of risk by adding this next component. The Chinese symbol for risk is made up of two characters: danger and opportunity. Reading this really resonated with me. The symbol embodies both aspects -- which I think we tend to forget when looking at risk. There are two sides to risk: Danger -- the heartbreak, the pain, the rejection; and Opportunity: the beauty, love, the butterflies.

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It all goes back to Mr. Wit. There are still so many obstacles for the two of us to face. I was walking home from my trip to the local farmers' market yesterday and got caught in the rain. It was thrilling, electrifying, and cold all at the same time. As I soaked in the rain, I let my mind wander where it wanted to: right to Mr. Wit. We've engaged in this flirtation for quite some time now and there were many moments where I'd stop and say to myself: "Why the hell am I still doing this?" There's so much unknown and so many risk factors that were big signs that said: "Turn around and save yourself the heartbreak." So why still stay?

The answer is plain and simple: Mr. Wit is worth the risk. Let's take a look.

The danger:

I think back to the countless amounts of times I go over in my head the facts I wish to ignore: the friend with benefit -- his, not mine; work place complications; the fear of attachment -- mine, not his; the age difference; the ex factor; is he really ready for something again? These are only few of the many obstacles we have yet to face but are ominously looming over my shoulder. I mean, what if ends badly? What happens if I hurt him? What if I start to depend on him? All things that one fears when heading for the big 'R' word: relationship.

The opportunity:

Love. For the first time... in a long time ever, I feel like I've gotten it right. Not in the sense of everything's perfect and fine and fabulous, but in the way that it feels right. The situation is messy and complicated and probably shouldn't have gone as far as it did. That's exactly it. It probably shouldn't have gone as far as it did but yet here we are. Mr. Wit and I feel right in the sense that we get to let go of the masks we've put up for the outside world and just to be together. Mr. Wit makes me feel incredibly happy and so damn good. I don't have those reservations like with S or Mr. Too Available. Although it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, all I want to do is throw my heart at him and say: "Here. When the time comes, please grind it into a million pieces. As for now, you can have this for a while."

I was working the other day and in the midst of talking to customers and folding over priced clothing, I had a thought. Scratch that. I had many thoughts. Too many thoughts. I don't want to be a part of your game, I thought to myself. With Mr. Wit and his friend with benefit (more on that next week), sometimes I feel like I've weaved myself into this web of polyamory and I'm not quite sure how. What if he doesn't pick me? I've endured months of -- since March, actually -- of someone else is still in the picture. "Sticking it out", really. Then things got serious between me and Mr. Wit and our relationship changed.

Forcing myself to pull my head from the clouds, some valid questions began to formulate in that over-analyzing brain of mine. Our relationship changed so does that mean theirs has? What does it mean for them? What if he wakes up one day and decides we were a mistake? What if he picks her? Does he know he has to choose? As well as the revelation of, He can't have both of us. Thank you, neurotic, over-active, over-analyzing brain of mine. And then it hit me. I stepped into the ring and put on the boxing gloves, ready and eager to enter the fight a long, long time ago. I've been fighting for him since... well, since I realized I had feelings for him which was back in February. I've been in the game for almost four months now.

So why, J? Why all this trouble for this guy? He's just a guy. Usually, I'd nod my head at my voice of reason and say: "You're right. He IS just a guy and there are plenty of other one's out there. This one's just too risky and if I step away now, I can protect myself from the hurt that's to come later. If I do it now, it won't hurt as much as if I'm in too deep later on."

But not this one. This one isn't just a guy with plenty of others out there. This one's special. I can just feel it. That's a lie. I know he's special. I would've taken off the boxing gloves a long time ago if he wasn't. It's the way his mind is so attractive. It's the way I find him so incredibly sexy when he speaks so passionately about music. It's the witty banter that passes back and forth between us. It's the way that, with one touch, I'm like putty in his hands. It's the way he sends me into a frenzy too.

Yeah. This one's pretty hard to come by, actually.

This one's worth the risk. 

Yours,

-- J

listen: it never entered my mind

"It Never Entered My Mind" - Miles Davis

 

As I walked down to the little farmers' market located in my hometown, I did a lot of thinking about me and Mr. Wit. 1,365.6 miles away from each other and I still can't get him out of my mind. I think back to the long nights of staying up talking and listening to everything from Miles Davis to Muse, discovering parts of each other we never knew existed, and looking at baby pictures. I think about the sweet words whispered to each other, the shared smiles, silly jokes, and the people we got to be with each other. I think about the way he looks at me like he wants to devour me -- pupils wide and bottom lip bitten.

I think about the whirlwind that he's swept me up into. There are still so many factors that make Mr. Wit such a risk: the friend with benefit, the distance, his commitment issues, my attachment issues, the age thing, the professional relationship -- well, the list could go on and on. But in my eyes, it's all worth it. It's worth the risk. How the hell did this happen? The relationship started out strictly professional and yet, here we are. How the hell did we end up here?

I've asked Mr. Wit this a couple of times and we usually just look at each other and laugh, shaking our heads in a shared disbelief.

Something that Mr. Wit and I share is a passion for music which is what is partially inspiring me to write another "listen" post. Yes, it's summer and I finally have time to tend to the blog. Believe me. There is nothing sexier listening to Mr. Wit talk about music. Listening to the raw passion of him discuss songs -- especially when going into detail -- is so much of an aphrodisiac. Besides, passion is a turn-on and what initially attracted me to him in the first place!

One night we were spending time together and as we continued our passionate lip lock, this song came on. It started out softly with piano before the trumpet came in, perfectly accompanying its counter part. It was a gorgeous jazz song that took my breath away -- not to mention the fact that with the music and the intimacy, I felt like I was in an episode of Sex and the City. (And as all of you know, Carrie Bradshaw is my girl). It was just too perfect. It was a rainy night with good company, good music, and damn good kissing. All we needed was New York City.

Miles Davis does an incredible job with the song. It's beautiful, soft, sexy in an almost melancholy way. It's the kind of song you play on a rainy day when one is in the mood to romanticize the rain. Oh, wait. Is that just me? Sorry about that... The trumpet riffs and the way the song dwindles off with the piano and the percussion in the end? Ughhh (in the best way possible)!

Although the lyrics (not in the Miles Davis version) don't remind me of Mr. Wit, the song always will for these moments. The title itself, "It Never Entered My Mind" are rather appropriate as well. "How the hell did we end up here?" I'm not so sure. But what am I sure about is that at the beginning, I never thought that this was where it would go. He was the last person I thought it'd be with... but yet... here we are.

It never entered my mind, Mr. Wit.

Just thought you should know that.

Yours always,

J

love: lessons learned

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Once upon a time there was a little girl. This little girl dreamed of love and finding the perfect prince charming -- her perfect prince charming. She believed that every single person out there had their own prince (or princess) charming and would find them one day. The rest of the story goes like this: the little girl grows up to be a blossoming young woman, finds her prince charming, and rides off in a carriage with a horse and her prince into the inevitable 'happily ever after'.

What they didn't tell her is that she'd have to kiss a lot of frogs before she found that prince.

They didn't tell her that there are few true prince charmings out there.

 

They never told her that she could make her own rules.

They never told her to nurture the relationship she has with herself even when she's fallen hard for someone else.

I've officially finished my journey as a college freshman. It's over and I'm writing this post tucked safely in my bed at home where I can shower without having to wear shower shoes. Hah! Maybe the most important thing I learned this year has been to never lose sight of me. Life knocks ya down! It throws you around, grips you tight, and then gives you a good kick in the ass just because. Knowing who you are and what you stand for is the most important thing, I've learned, to get you back on your feet when life is fu-, well, "life-ing" you over and over again.

I've learned  a lot in the romance department as well. If I could go back and write myself a few bullet points before starting my freshman year, they would've looked a little like this:
1. Do not share your body with someone you don't care about.
2. Ignore the whispers. If you want to have a little fun, have a little fun! This double standard bullshit shouldn't keep you from doing what makes you happy.
3. Love works in mysterious ways.
4. You'll find love in the most unexpected places in the most unexpected people when you're not looking for it.
5. Be in the moment. Stop trying to worry about the future.
6. The only way you're ready to be with someone else is if you're ready to be with you.
7. Little boys vs. Men. Don't waste your time messing around with little boys. If you're looking for a love, you're not going to find it there. 'Nuff said...
8. Intellect is a turn-on.
9. Don't settle. If he doesn't give you butterflies, he's not for you.
10. Love fully with your whole heart and never apologize for it.

So thank you, emotional rollercoaster that was my past year. You've taught me well.

I can hear my year whispering back to me, "You did good, kid."

I'm so strange...

And on that note,

-- J

love: boy + girl

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The story goes like this:

Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl establish a professional relationship. Boy flirts with Girl and Girl doesn't realize. Girl realizes and also realizes that she's very much attracted to Boy. Boy and Girl beat around the bush. Finally, Girl and Boy decide to start spending time together outside of work. Boy and Girl get very close. Boy can't have a relationship. Boy says 'no' while his actions say 'yes'. Boy and Girl know they shouldn't be together and try to distance themselves. Girl and Boy can't. Girl and Boy kiss

Yep, you know who I'm talking about.

After a little under two months, Mr. Wit and I have finally kissed. And it's about damn time too...

It was a Wednesday night when it happened. I went over to his place to just talk and hang out and the two of us were joking around and for about the bajillionth time that night, he leaned in, our foreheads touching, and our faces got closer than ever.

"Are we too close?" he asked me.

"No. But yes. But no," I replied, knowing that we weren't supposed to be anything more than friends but wanting nothing more than to kiss him. I then followed my last statement with, "Look. We could totally hate it so maybe this is just something we need to do to get out of our systems."

"I doubt that's going to be the case," Mr. Wit replies. I shook my head. I knew that it was dangerous territory that we were treading in, but nonetheless, Mr. Wit closed the gap between us and finally, yes, finally, kissed me.

We then followed up this day with kisses on Friday and sneaking around together on Saturday -- stealing kisses in secret corners and when no one was watching. We were in tech and then a run for a showcase and it almost became a game of which secret places we could occupy and for how long...and of course, who doesn't love the thrill of getting caught?

My name is J, and I'm utterly infatuated with Mr. Wit.

He's my escape; my breath of fresh air. The last couple of days have been incredible: long nights filled with converstion till the early hours of the morning, all twisted and entagled in each other; waking up in each other's arms and waking up to a kiss; the witty banter and word play; and of course, the added bonus: when things get hot and heavy.... I've never been one to skimp on the details but I'll leave you hanging just this once.

Nights full of whispers that send shivers down my spine: I adore you. You stun me. You're beautiful. You thrill me. I care about you. I could get used to this. Baby. You put me in this frenzy where I can't think straight.

And Mr. Wit keeps asking: "What is this? What does this all mean?" And I keep telling him, "It doesn't mean anything we don't want it to." As much as I would love to be monogamous with him, I know that right now he's afraid of being tied down and I'm not about to be the one to do that. I wouldn't do that to him. He's afraid of being limited and that's the last thing I want to do to him. And since last Saturday, we only had a week together before school breaks and I'm going back home exactly 1,365.6 miles away so I'm not too worried about trying to start anything right now. When I get back... well, that's another story.

Now, I'm not saying a kiss is just a kiss. I would love to, and am, falling head over heels for Mr. Wit. Dangerous territory... I know... especially when neither of us know where this is going to go. Mr. Wit's constantly harping on how he's not a good guy but his actions speak differently. It's the little things: kisses on the forehead, a glass of water next to me when I wake up in the morning, the silliness the two of us get up to, and the way he looks at me with such adoration and care. One morning he once said to me: "If only you could see what I see." What he doesn't know is that I feel the exact same way about him.

"How are you so comfortable with me? And with us?" Mr. Wit asked me.

I shrugged and replied to him, "I have no idea."

"It's funny how chemistry works like that, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

Just the other night, we were spending time together. He was writing a paper so I curled up on the couch in a large, cozy blanket. While dinner was in the oven, we went to our prospective places in the living room to do our own work. I thought maybe it'd be awkward and I'd feel like I needed to fill every silence with words but there was no need to at all. I read and he worked on his paper and when he needed a break... well, I was happy to lend a hand. We're getting very comfortable with each other.

"Are we getting too close?" Mr. Wit asked me that night, as we lay wrappe up in each other. Seriously...?

"I don't know," I responded, hesitantly. "All I know is that we're getting pretty damn comfortable."

And on that note, I'll share with you a song that Mr. Wit shared with me.

"These Arms of Mine" - Otis Redding

Yours,

-- J

love: the ballad of mr. wit

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So I said that I'd get updated... and yet weeks have gone by and no posting. I know, I know... I'll get better at this, I promise! Instead of trying to make up for all of it, I've decided that I'm going to just catch you up on what's been going on in one long, epic post.

Now where did I leave off..?

Oh, yes! Breakfast with Mr. Wit and trying to figure out what the hell was going on between us pretty quickly. Well, we did and it's been quite an odd story that has only just begun. But let me back up to the beginning, first.

The week after breakfast was great. We were texting every day and before the every show he'd send me something telling me to have a good show in his own quirky, goofy way -- always bringing a smile to my face. And then that Friday night, he picked me up around midnight after our Friday night performance, taking me back to his apartment for a night of good music, good talk, laughter, and back massages. Can't really argue with that, right? That week was followed by more fun and games with Mr. Wit. One night he biked over to my place and we walked over to the river to just sit on the dock and enjoy each other's company.

The thing I love most of about Mr. Wit is how I get to let my hair down with him. I get to be myself (a big goofball), do silly things, and just laugh -- and I believe that when you find someone you can really do that with, you should keep them around because it's pretty damn rare.

But like I said before, I better figure out what was going on before I fall too hard. And that's just it. I can hear the little voice in my head asking myself: "What's wrong with what you're doing? You two are having fun. Why need clarity?" But that's just it. After about a month of daily texts, late night dock visits, watching movies, baking together, and laughing together till 3 am, there was no kissing and I knew it was time to get down to the bottom of things.

"I mean... what're we doing... because sometimes it feels like it's more than just friends?" I asked, nervously. I didn't know how else to bring it up and it kind of just came tumbling out of my mouth. Like ripping off a band-aid. I told him that it felt like we were trapped in this awkard grey area/limb-like land and that I just needed some clarification. He completely agreed. The conversation got heavy after that and he responded that he really didn't know what we were doing, but at the moment he wasn't looking for anything. And I completely understand.

Little did I know that Mr. Wit had gotten out of a six year relationship barely a year ago -- the barely a year ago part I had no idea about. I'm glad we had the talk. I think he and I learned a lot about each other from it. What he's learned from relationships is that they're limiting and it's obvious that he's terrified of feeling so tied down again like that. He confessed me to me that he's terrified of hurting me as well and thinks that he'd break me. It just felt he was trying to push me farther and farther away.

What hurt about that, was that it felt like he was asking me not to care about him which is something I can't do. Believe I tried. I tried to not care and just to mash it down and look where that got us! Closer than ever. So I asked, "So did I make this all up in my head?" And he shook his head, "No, I think you were just responding to what I was giving you." We agreed to not let things get awkward and to keep things between us the same and that we didn't want to lose each other just yet. Essentially, he's not ready. It became clear that in our conversation that he was thinking with his head and I was thinking with my heart. It's actually a little creepy how much Mr. Wit is like Mr. Big. Not in the regards of being a total asshole sometimes, but he's got that old, nostalgic charm and the way he pushes me buttons verbally with all the witty wordplay. We also tease each other about age the way that Carrie and Big do (e.g. "Blood, sweat, and tears? Wow. Shouldn't this be in a museum?" "Be nice." Season 4, episode 18).

Regardless of our agreement, things between us were awkward a little that following week which was even more uncomfortable because we were just starting two new projects together. We kept professional and then the personal relationships began to fill in again and that Friday, I went over to his place to hang out.

It was perfect and just what we needed. We had said that we'd keep things the way that they were, but how do you do that? That Friday was a reminder for the both of us that we could resume whatever we were doing. The trickiest part, however, was that the flirtatious aspect was always apart of us and remained. And that's when it hit me. The most painful part of this whole "keeping things the way that they are" thing was that when we're together, it feels like he's mine.

The next week was hard. We saw each other when we were in the work each day but the personal conversation got less and less. And I realized why it was so hard, especially the idea that he did feel like mine when we were together. The version of him that I know, IS mine. That person I get to let my guard down and just be myself with IS mine and no one else's. If you really think about it, it's true. That's the person you know and you're going to love that person in your very own way.

"Wait, there's more? So why the hell stay, J?" is what I'm sure you're asking and I've got one simple answer for you. I care about him. Damn it, feelings! But he is my friend first and I truly do care about him. I just want him to know that I care about him for him -- not for any alterior motive but because he's an amazing guy.

And this is where the lines get blurry and the grey area makes a reappearance. Well, the grey area was always there, it just got... more grey, if that makes any sense.

Last Thursday, I went over to Mr. Wit's to watch a movie which progressed instead to life talk and a couple of beers, along with hanging out with his roommate. The night ended, however, in a tickle fight. When a man tells you that he isn't looking for anything and then you end up holding his hands to keep him from tickling you, his forehead pressed against yours, you're a little confused, am I right?!

I'm not overly distraught about like I usually would be, but I'm starting to get the idea that he may not know in his brain, but he somewhere there, he does know how he feels.

Again, I'm not waiting around, but the option is not closed.

And I think it's for the best that Mr. Wit and I don't start anything soon. I'm leaving in about week when school gets out to go back home, exactly 1,365.6 miles away from here. He's made it clear that he can't do long distance again like he did with his ex and I would never want to do that to him. I also don't think it's wise to start a relationship and then try for 3 months, something we really don't even know about.

I also think, especially now that I will 1,365.6 miles away, I need to focus on me again. I think Mr. Wit and I got a little addicted to having someone again, and I think us taking a step back is a good idea. I can finally take time to myself without having to worry about texting someone or planning something with anyone. I can just breathe and be. And with all this time, I've forgotten how not too bad company I am. To love someone else means you've got to love yourself first, right?

Who knows what next year will hold for us? Maybe by August, he'll be ready to tell me how he feels. Maybe it'll go the other direction. As of now, I'm just enjoying the time we have together because really, our friendship is what comes first.
So I'll leave you with these words,

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

 

-- J