love: what happened to BFFs? a study on FWBs

Photo Credit: cwtv.com

 

I haven't been too badly with posting! Here's my new plan: Post once a week on a Sunday! Sounds like a pretty good goal so far, right? Let's hope that I can stick to it. Being a college kid is just so darn time consuming! It is also possible that I may post more than once in a week, depending on how desperate I get to vent.

But, moving on! Whoever said that this was a man's world had no idea how easy it is to be a girl. It really hadn't hit me until now, but my college days have opened my eyes to the mystical powers that us women know (or don't know -- in my case) we possess. Seriously. We only went to a few frat parties at the beginning of the year and it just never ceases to amaze me how penis-driven those boys are. If you showed up uninvited with five girls, you were golden.

And in our academic apartment, we have our own frat boys.

For anonymity, we'll just call him S. S and I have been good friends for a while and have hooked up on occassion. S is quite the catch: he's cute, he's fun, we have fun together, and he's sweet. The only thing wrong with him is the his best friend who is always on the prowl. Seriously. It's a little disgusting -- and by a little, I mean a lot. And unfortunately, S really admires this best friend, eagerly mimicking his manwhore-ish ways.

So this semester, S and I danced/drank/kissed the night away before parting separate ways and ever since then, things have been a lot more flirty than normal. Again, I would really consider him if he weren't flirting with a different girl every time I saw him. I feel like it's a lot different when you flirt with someone just to flirt and flirting with someone you know and care about. With S there's a missed connection when it comes to all the emotions.

This past weekend, S and I were at a party and he was flirting left and right with different girls. I, on the other hand, was less than pleased and did my own thing. That is until he roped me into his arms for a dance.

Yes, I know that right now you're thinking: "Don't do it! It's a trap."

It is indeed.

At this point, I'm thinking: "I'm not just a body and this can't just be out of convenience." So I played the "do you want me?" game with him.

Yes, ladies. We're all guilty of it.

I said to him as we danced together, "So what about that girl you've been talking to all night? Are you going to go for it?" Out of my periphery, I could see the two girls grouped together -- one of them being the one he had been flirting with all night -- dancing around him and laughing exceptionally loud to see if he would notice. He responded to me, holding me close, "I'm just flirting." And right back at him, "Are you sure I'm not stepping on your game? It doesn't have to be me. I don't have to be here right now."

And he smiled and told me, "I'm sure."

Oh, S...

And with a little more poking and prodding, I was satisfied with his answer. I think he got off on the fact that I was a little jealous too. I guess it was a win-win situation.

The only thing about S that I fear is that our attraction is purely chemical. Sure, we have fun on a daily basis but it's always flirtatious. It seems like that's all he wants from me sometimes. And that's okay, when it comes to S. I think maybe I could have feelings for him but I really just don't know. Friends with benefits, for now? Okay.

The next morning, I couldn't help but wonder about this whole friends with benefits thing. We see it all over the media: movies like Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached, that whole Felix and Brooke storyline on One Tree Hill-- it's a little impossible to escape. And something I've noticed is that a lot of college relationships are reduced to "just messing around" "undefined" and "I don't know what this is." Now, I'm not condemning friends with benefits. Seeing from my little anecdotes above, I'm all for it. But actually having a friend with benefit begs the question: does this really work?

What happens when emotions get involved? Someone always get hurt. I mean, isn't that the whole story arc that they use in the media anyways?

For men, I'm not quite sure what friends with benefits for them is like. Doesn't society tell us to believe that it's every man's dream? I know a few that don't feel that way (more to come in a few paragraphs). For women, I know that after sex, our bodies release a hormone that makes us attach to our partner. So how does that come into play with the friend-with-benefit thing? Can we stay attached as just friends? (I am genuinely curious about this one).

With S, I have no idea where this could lead. I could fall for him. He could fall for me. We could both fall together. Or one of us could realize it wasn't going to work. Regardless, at present, neither of us have real feelings for each other. They could be there... just not now and I am perfectly content with that. I know he is too.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, my friend DM is currently in one of these undefined college relationships. He wants to define things but she does not. It's obvious that DM is emotionally invested in this girl but still, she does not want to put a label on it. He feels like they're doing more than just messing around.

I'm afraid that DM's going to get his heartbroken. I honestly don't know if she'll ever be ready for a relationship. Who knows?

So with two contrasting stories, maybe it's a case by case thing. Maybe you can be friends with benefits depending on who you are.

Another thing that popped into my mind is that generalization that those in a friends with benefits relationship are "scary and damaged". Not all of us, but I think a lot of us are. For me, I don't have a lot of free time. I don't necessarily want a relationship unless it is the right person.

That or call me a picky committment-a-phobe. I've accepted it.

But then again, I may change my mind and I guess this is what this blog is for: my thoughts on love, venting, and documenting the stupid mistakes I make in college.

All I know is for now, I am perfectly fine with only being friends with benefits with S.

Ahh... someday I'll look back on this and have a good laugh.

This is it for now,

-- J

love: "they sing a song only you can hear"

Photo Credit: Pinterest

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear." -- Oscar Wilde

Smart man, that one. We're two birds of a feather; two peas in a pod; and of course, Aristotle's "a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

Sometimes you just recognize something in someone; that thing that hits you and turns you upside down and inside out.

Miss Carrie Bradshaw summed it up all too well in the very first episode of Sex and the City. Via voice over, she realizes when meeting Big: "Suddenly I felt the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to crawl under the covers and go right to sleep" all while sexy jazz music plays on in the background. The windows of Mr. Big's car are scattered with drops of rain as they ride through the city together. We all know that Sex and the City can be such a charicature of dating (along with the women and men) but there's so much truth to it as well. And beautiful story to tell, in addition!

Let me introduce you to Mr. Wit** who is slowly but surely creeping into John James Preston (Mr. Big) territory. We met because we work together. We had never worked together but knew of each other and had met on occasion.

You know when you meet someone, and there's just that spark? You know you've let an impression on them and whether you know it or not, they've left an impression on you.

Second semester starts up and finally, Mr. Wit and I's professional paths begin to cross. We begin to work together and I'm terribly intimidated. I didn't know what to expect and the kind of work he creates is beautiful. What if I didn't meet his expectations? What if I just sucked?! But it opened my eyes to this collaborative creative process that left me feeling whole.

So his work makes me feel artistically fulfilled. Okay. Cool. But seriously, J? Where does the romance come in?

Cue flirtation.

It all started as we began to get to know each other a little better outside of our work. It started with a: "You look really nice today" here and there which I never thought of much until he went out of his way to say something once. At this point I'm thinking: "Hm.. This is getting a little more frequent than normal... and he's going out of his way. Is there... an attraction here?"

It caught me off guard. I felt like I was going crazy. I mean... I had to be making this all up in my head, right? So I consulted who knew him really well and she only confirmed my suspicions. She said that he was a really flirty guy but that it was selective -- highly selective. At that moment, I wasn't quite sure how I felt about it, but I knew there was an attraction on his part there. On my part? I wasn't too sure yet but I knew I was feeling something.

The next day I would be seeing him for another project that he asked me to work on with him. We met with the rest of our fellow team members and as we were going over the prelimnary things, I couldn't help but notice that my heart was racing just a little bit more than usual. He was so in his element and his work that he shared with us -- what he wanted us to be a part of -- was breathtaking. I watched as he worked and was captivated by his passion for it. In addition, he has a brain... which I'm starting to learn is pretty hard to come by.

Intelligence is sexy. Seriously.

And then it hit me. Even though I hadn't noticed it, I was extremely attracted to Mr. Wit. I felt my heart beating in my chest and like I wanted to just haul off and kiss him.

Of course, I didn't.

Not only was his art beautiful, but I felt like we got each other. We ran on the same frequency and that was appealing. He lent me books which was incredibly sexy, in my opinion. Just sayin'! Once I realized my attraction, I attempted to deny my feelings for him. "It's just an attraction!" I defended myself. But I knew it wasn't and it was soon revealed to me that my friends knew it wasn't either.

I was in so deep and there was no turning back. Normally, when I like someone, it's never really for the right reasons. A lot of the time, the initial attraction stems from a physical attraction. Mr. Wit hooked me with his brain, his creativity, and his sense of humor. The sexual attraction was all there, but wasn't at all what I noticed until... well, until I realized I had feelings for him.

And this makes it harder to get over.

But why give up something like that?

I'll be frank. I'm falling for his soul. He's a good looking guy, but that's not what I'm attracted to. He's smart and fun to flirt with. He makes me laugh -- I think we could sit for hours and just laugh together. He's kind and has an amazing heart. He gets me -- and that is invaluable. I connect with him on an emotional, spiritual, physical, and artistc level. That's pretty fucking hard to come by, especially nowadays, if you ask me!

I feel like Mr, Wit is going to be the death of me. I can feel myself diving in head first. I get butterflies every time I see him. I've found myself going out of my way or going to class a little extra early just because I know that I'll run into him.

Yeah, I know. I've got it bad.

But the way he makes me feel? There's nothing better than this.

Your head over heels pal,

J

** Note: Name change. Mr. Wit used to be nicknamed The Artist but there I changed the name because the more I get to know him, the more Mr. Wit suits him.

love: is being too available a turn off?

 

Photo Credit: weheartit.com

 

Right on schedule! It is Sunday, and I'm posting on this blog. Let's all hope and pray and cross fingers (and toes, arms, legs, whatever else an be crossed, etc.) that I stick to this.

 

So this begins part one of the whirlwind tornado that has been my love life as of second semester.

This story starts off similarly to the other "connections" I've made at parties but ends very differently. I know what you're thinking: This girl really needs to start making sober connections. Yes, yes, I know all this. This realization has hit me but more on that in future posts, I promise! But back to the story. It went a little like this:

Boy meets girl. Girl flirts with boy. Boy and girl kiss. Boy asks for girls number. Girl doesn't realy think she has any feelings for boy the next day. Boy texts girl constantly. Girl hates texting and starts to dislike boy. Girl explains she does not want a relationship. Boy respects this but still keeps texting girl. Girl is over it.

 

Very, very over it. Sick of it. We can conclude that I'm not any more of a fan of texting after that.

 

For the purposes of anonymity, we'll call him Mr. Too Available. When I met Mr. Too Available, I thought he was nice. I mean, he was cute and seemed like an interesting guy. Part of me now wonders whether I thought he was interested or just interested in me. It sounds like a shallow thing, but to be brutally honest, we all like attention from the opposite sex. There's no denying that. I mean, really... please feel free to disagree with me but I don't think I'm just talking about me here.

The morning after we kissed, Mr. Too Available was texting me throughout the day... and the next day... and the next. I could feel a burning in my stomach and a feeling as if I wanted to push him farther and farther away from me. We had known each other for maybe two days and he was already asking me out to dinner. I didn't even know the guy!

A friend said to me, "But that's what dates are for! To get to know him." I simply said to him, "Yeah, but dinner? That seems a little too serious way too soon." I texted Mr. Too Available back and told him that I was busy that night but we should grab coffee at some point instead.

To be honest, the coffee date never happened. After ignoring one of his texts and no contact for two days, he sent me a long message explaining that he completely understood that he was busy and was willing wait for me to make time for him. This made me slam on the breaks even harder. "Willing to wait?" I mean... we've known each other for less than a week. It was just all too fast! I barely knew the guy and he spoke like a candidate on the Bachelorette or something. It was just... cheesy. I diplomatically replied that I wasn't in a place for a relationship and if we did hang out, it should be only as friends.

 

And the thing is, at the time, I wasn't. I have a lot on my plate right now and making time and room for someone new was not on my agenda. It just felt like he was taking a pillar and ramming it over and over into the precious walls I've spent years building up. It didn't feel like he was courting me; it felt like an invasion.

Now I sound like some dysfuntional single woman, and yes, I've accepted that I am.

 

On top of that, I had heard from a lot of people that know him well that he wasn't necessarily a nice guy and treats women like shit, but that wasn't what made me so skittish about him.

But with all of the Mr. Too Available drama, it made me start to think about how we relate to men. We reject them if they're too unavailable but when they're too available, the outcome is the same. Is availability a turn off? With Mr. Too Available, I felt like he was chasing after me when I hadn't even started running (until I really did start running). It was too... forceful. But I guess I've always been a fan of the long courting of the good friend turned lover type. Is it wrong to want to get to know a guy without the pressure and expectation that things will become romantic?

 

If I had agreed to get to know Mr. Too Available, I feel like there would've been an expectation that it would turn into more from the beginning, at least on his part. I didn't want myself or him, for that matter, through that -- discomfort on my point and most likely disappointment on his.

So if men are too available and too unavailable and we still don't want them, what is "just right"?

 

I think another reason I couldn't dig Mr. Too Available was because, and I'll be honest. I do love a good chase.

 

My name is J, and I am a dysfuntional single woman.

Oh dear, lord...

 

-- J