love: what happened to BFFs? a study on FWBs

Photo Credit: cwtv.com

 

I haven't been too badly with posting! Here's my new plan: Post once a week on a Sunday! Sounds like a pretty good goal so far, right? Let's hope that I can stick to it. Being a college kid is just so darn time consuming! It is also possible that I may post more than once in a week, depending on how desperate I get to vent.

But, moving on! Whoever said that this was a man's world had no idea how easy it is to be a girl. It really hadn't hit me until now, but my college days have opened my eyes to the mystical powers that us women know (or don't know -- in my case) we possess. Seriously. We only went to a few frat parties at the beginning of the year and it just never ceases to amaze me how penis-driven those boys are. If you showed up uninvited with five girls, you were golden.

And in our academic apartment, we have our own frat boys.

For anonymity, we'll just call him S. S and I have been good friends for a while and have hooked up on occassion. S is quite the catch: he's cute, he's fun, we have fun together, and he's sweet. The only thing wrong with him is the his best friend who is always on the prowl. Seriously. It's a little disgusting -- and by a little, I mean a lot. And unfortunately, S really admires this best friend, eagerly mimicking his manwhore-ish ways.

So this semester, S and I danced/drank/kissed the night away before parting separate ways and ever since then, things have been a lot more flirty than normal. Again, I would really consider him if he weren't flirting with a different girl every time I saw him. I feel like it's a lot different when you flirt with someone just to flirt and flirting with someone you know and care about. With S there's a missed connection when it comes to all the emotions.

This past weekend, S and I were at a party and he was flirting left and right with different girls. I, on the other hand, was less than pleased and did my own thing. That is until he roped me into his arms for a dance.

Yes, I know that right now you're thinking: "Don't do it! It's a trap."

It is indeed.

At this point, I'm thinking: "I'm not just a body and this can't just be out of convenience." So I played the "do you want me?" game with him.

Yes, ladies. We're all guilty of it.

I said to him as we danced together, "So what about that girl you've been talking to all night? Are you going to go for it?" Out of my periphery, I could see the two girls grouped together -- one of them being the one he had been flirting with all night -- dancing around him and laughing exceptionally loud to see if he would notice. He responded to me, holding me close, "I'm just flirting." And right back at him, "Are you sure I'm not stepping on your game? It doesn't have to be me. I don't have to be here right now."

And he smiled and told me, "I'm sure."

Oh, S...

And with a little more poking and prodding, I was satisfied with his answer. I think he got off on the fact that I was a little jealous too. I guess it was a win-win situation.

The only thing about S that I fear is that our attraction is purely chemical. Sure, we have fun on a daily basis but it's always flirtatious. It seems like that's all he wants from me sometimes. And that's okay, when it comes to S. I think maybe I could have feelings for him but I really just don't know. Friends with benefits, for now? Okay.

The next morning, I couldn't help but wonder about this whole friends with benefits thing. We see it all over the media: movies like Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached, that whole Felix and Brooke storyline on One Tree Hill-- it's a little impossible to escape. And something I've noticed is that a lot of college relationships are reduced to "just messing around" "undefined" and "I don't know what this is." Now, I'm not condemning friends with benefits. Seeing from my little anecdotes above, I'm all for it. But actually having a friend with benefit begs the question: does this really work?

What happens when emotions get involved? Someone always get hurt. I mean, isn't that the whole story arc that they use in the media anyways?

For men, I'm not quite sure what friends with benefits for them is like. Doesn't society tell us to believe that it's every man's dream? I know a few that don't feel that way (more to come in a few paragraphs). For women, I know that after sex, our bodies release a hormone that makes us attach to our partner. So how does that come into play with the friend-with-benefit thing? Can we stay attached as just friends? (I am genuinely curious about this one).

With S, I have no idea where this could lead. I could fall for him. He could fall for me. We could both fall together. Or one of us could realize it wasn't going to work. Regardless, at present, neither of us have real feelings for each other. They could be there... just not now and I am perfectly content with that. I know he is too.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, my friend DM is currently in one of these undefined college relationships. He wants to define things but she does not. It's obvious that DM is emotionally invested in this girl but still, she does not want to put a label on it. He feels like they're doing more than just messing around.

I'm afraid that DM's going to get his heartbroken. I honestly don't know if she'll ever be ready for a relationship. Who knows?

So with two contrasting stories, maybe it's a case by case thing. Maybe you can be friends with benefits depending on who you are.

Another thing that popped into my mind is that generalization that those in a friends with benefits relationship are "scary and damaged". Not all of us, but I think a lot of us are. For me, I don't have a lot of free time. I don't necessarily want a relationship unless it is the right person.

That or call me a picky committment-a-phobe. I've accepted it.

But then again, I may change my mind and I guess this is what this blog is for: my thoughts on love, venting, and documenting the stupid mistakes I make in college.

All I know is for now, I am perfectly fine with only being friends with benefits with S.

Ahh... someday I'll look back on this and have a good laugh.

This is it for now,

-- J

love: "they sing a song only you can hear"

Photo Credit: Pinterest

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear." -- Oscar Wilde

Smart man, that one. We're two birds of a feather; two peas in a pod; and of course, Aristotle's "a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

Sometimes you just recognize something in someone; that thing that hits you and turns you upside down and inside out.

Miss Carrie Bradshaw summed it up all too well in the very first episode of Sex and the City. Via voice over, she realizes when meeting Big: "Suddenly I felt the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to crawl under the covers and go right to sleep" all while sexy jazz music plays on in the background. The windows of Mr. Big's car are scattered with drops of rain as they ride through the city together. We all know that Sex and the City can be such a charicature of dating (along with the women and men) but there's so much truth to it as well. And beautiful story to tell, in addition!

Let me introduce you to Mr. Wit** who is slowly but surely creeping into John James Preston (Mr. Big) territory. We met because we work together. We had never worked together but knew of each other and had met on occasion.

You know when you meet someone, and there's just that spark? You know you've let an impression on them and whether you know it or not, they've left an impression on you.

Second semester starts up and finally, Mr. Wit and I's professional paths begin to cross. We begin to work together and I'm terribly intimidated. I didn't know what to expect and the kind of work he creates is beautiful. What if I didn't meet his expectations? What if I just sucked?! But it opened my eyes to this collaborative creative process that left me feeling whole.

So his work makes me feel artistically fulfilled. Okay. Cool. But seriously, J? Where does the romance come in?

Cue flirtation.

It all started as we began to get to know each other a little better outside of our work. It started with a: "You look really nice today" here and there which I never thought of much until he went out of his way to say something once. At this point I'm thinking: "Hm.. This is getting a little more frequent than normal... and he's going out of his way. Is there... an attraction here?"

It caught me off guard. I felt like I was going crazy. I mean... I had to be making this all up in my head, right? So I consulted who knew him really well and she only confirmed my suspicions. She said that he was a really flirty guy but that it was selective -- highly selective. At that moment, I wasn't quite sure how I felt about it, but I knew there was an attraction on his part there. On my part? I wasn't too sure yet but I knew I was feeling something.

The next day I would be seeing him for another project that he asked me to work on with him. We met with the rest of our fellow team members and as we were going over the prelimnary things, I couldn't help but notice that my heart was racing just a little bit more than usual. He was so in his element and his work that he shared with us -- what he wanted us to be a part of -- was breathtaking. I watched as he worked and was captivated by his passion for it. In addition, he has a brain... which I'm starting to learn is pretty hard to come by.

Intelligence is sexy. Seriously.

And then it hit me. Even though I hadn't noticed it, I was extremely attracted to Mr. Wit. I felt my heart beating in my chest and like I wanted to just haul off and kiss him.

Of course, I didn't.

Not only was his art beautiful, but I felt like we got each other. We ran on the same frequency and that was appealing. He lent me books which was incredibly sexy, in my opinion. Just sayin'! Once I realized my attraction, I attempted to deny my feelings for him. "It's just an attraction!" I defended myself. But I knew it wasn't and it was soon revealed to me that my friends knew it wasn't either.

I was in so deep and there was no turning back. Normally, when I like someone, it's never really for the right reasons. A lot of the time, the initial attraction stems from a physical attraction. Mr. Wit hooked me with his brain, his creativity, and his sense of humor. The sexual attraction was all there, but wasn't at all what I noticed until... well, until I realized I had feelings for him.

And this makes it harder to get over.

But why give up something like that?

I'll be frank. I'm falling for his soul. He's a good looking guy, but that's not what I'm attracted to. He's smart and fun to flirt with. He makes me laugh -- I think we could sit for hours and just laugh together. He's kind and has an amazing heart. He gets me -- and that is invaluable. I connect with him on an emotional, spiritual, physical, and artistc level. That's pretty fucking hard to come by, especially nowadays, if you ask me!

I feel like Mr, Wit is going to be the death of me. I can feel myself diving in head first. I get butterflies every time I see him. I've found myself going out of my way or going to class a little extra early just because I know that I'll run into him.

Yeah, I know. I've got it bad.

But the way he makes me feel? There's nothing better than this.

Your head over heels pal,

J

** Note: Name change. Mr. Wit used to be nicknamed The Artist but there I changed the name because the more I get to know him, the more Mr. Wit suits him.

love: is being too available a turn off?

 

Photo Credit: weheartit.com

 

Right on schedule! It is Sunday, and I'm posting on this blog. Let's all hope and pray and cross fingers (and toes, arms, legs, whatever else an be crossed, etc.) that I stick to this.

 

So this begins part one of the whirlwind tornado that has been my love life as of second semester.

This story starts off similarly to the other "connections" I've made at parties but ends very differently. I know what you're thinking: This girl really needs to start making sober connections. Yes, yes, I know all this. This realization has hit me but more on that in future posts, I promise! But back to the story. It went a little like this:

Boy meets girl. Girl flirts with boy. Boy and girl kiss. Boy asks for girls number. Girl doesn't realy think she has any feelings for boy the next day. Boy texts girl constantly. Girl hates texting and starts to dislike boy. Girl explains she does not want a relationship. Boy respects this but still keeps texting girl. Girl is over it.

 

Very, very over it. Sick of it. We can conclude that I'm not any more of a fan of texting after that.

 

For the purposes of anonymity, we'll call him Mr. Too Available. When I met Mr. Too Available, I thought he was nice. I mean, he was cute and seemed like an interesting guy. Part of me now wonders whether I thought he was interested or just interested in me. It sounds like a shallow thing, but to be brutally honest, we all like attention from the opposite sex. There's no denying that. I mean, really... please feel free to disagree with me but I don't think I'm just talking about me here.

The morning after we kissed, Mr. Too Available was texting me throughout the day... and the next day... and the next. I could feel a burning in my stomach and a feeling as if I wanted to push him farther and farther away from me. We had known each other for maybe two days and he was already asking me out to dinner. I didn't even know the guy!

A friend said to me, "But that's what dates are for! To get to know him." I simply said to him, "Yeah, but dinner? That seems a little too serious way too soon." I texted Mr. Too Available back and told him that I was busy that night but we should grab coffee at some point instead.

To be honest, the coffee date never happened. After ignoring one of his texts and no contact for two days, he sent me a long message explaining that he completely understood that he was busy and was willing wait for me to make time for him. This made me slam on the breaks even harder. "Willing to wait?" I mean... we've known each other for less than a week. It was just all too fast! I barely knew the guy and he spoke like a candidate on the Bachelorette or something. It was just... cheesy. I diplomatically replied that I wasn't in a place for a relationship and if we did hang out, it should be only as friends.

 

And the thing is, at the time, I wasn't. I have a lot on my plate right now and making time and room for someone new was not on my agenda. It just felt like he was taking a pillar and ramming it over and over into the precious walls I've spent years building up. It didn't feel like he was courting me; it felt like an invasion.

Now I sound like some dysfuntional single woman, and yes, I've accepted that I am.

 

On top of that, I had heard from a lot of people that know him well that he wasn't necessarily a nice guy and treats women like shit, but that wasn't what made me so skittish about him.

But with all of the Mr. Too Available drama, it made me start to think about how we relate to men. We reject them if they're too unavailable but when they're too available, the outcome is the same. Is availability a turn off? With Mr. Too Available, I felt like he was chasing after me when I hadn't even started running (until I really did start running). It was too... forceful. But I guess I've always been a fan of the long courting of the good friend turned lover type. Is it wrong to want to get to know a guy without the pressure and expectation that things will become romantic?

 

If I had agreed to get to know Mr. Too Available, I feel like there would've been an expectation that it would turn into more from the beginning, at least on his part. I didn't want myself or him, for that matter, through that -- discomfort on my point and most likely disappointment on his.

So if men are too available and too unavailable and we still don't want them, what is "just right"?

 

I think another reason I couldn't dig Mr. Too Available was because, and I'll be honest. I do love a good chase.

 

My name is J, and I am a dysfuntional single woman.

Oh dear, lord...

 

-- J



coffee date

Photo Credit: Pinterest

If we were on a coffee date, I'd apologize a bajillion times about how shitty I've been about posting lately... as in like... for the past few months. Yes, yes, I know. But my interest in blogging has re-sparked. Ok, I'm not actually sure if that's a real word but hey, we're going to roll with it! I guess I just remembered why I wanted to start this blog in the first place. I'm not going to lie. It's a little daunting -- starting a blog. You don't know if anyone's going to read it or anyone's going to care. Is it a good idea?

Fuck it.

That's what I say. And I'd share this philosophy with you on this ideal coffee date. I want to have something to look back on: life, love, food, music. And when I first began this blog, I wanted to limit this blog and categorize it into a love blog but now I'm starting to see that it has potential to be so much more than that -- almost like an online diary. I mean, isn't that what people use blogs for these days?

In addition, let me redefine "love": In like love with boys, with life, fashion, with art, with what I'm doing, how I'm running my life, with no apologies.So many things in this life mindfuck me and make me fall in love with them; not just romantic love.

So here's the the single girl in love 2.0. I'm in it for real this time (Or so I say. Finger crossed. Knock on wood! Whatever other cliches there are out there).

Goals:

1. To post EVERY Sunday. It gives me a week to work on a post, right? That's one post per week and once I start meeting one post per week then maybe we'll up the posting.
2. Recipe posts! I've got some great recipes coming ranging from dorm life to recipes requiring an oven and a stove. As much as we love that darn microwave, it's nice to have a meal from scratch.
3. Love what I do. Find my voice. Enjoy the words. Speak from the heart.

If we were on a coffee date, I'd tell you that second semester was going well and it is enormously different than first. It's been a lot more work than I'd ever thought it could be and sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath. In those moments of stress and tearing my hair out, I remind myself to take a deep breath and remind myself why I'm doing what I do. Why put myself through all the stress?

Because I love it. Plain and simple.

If I were on this imaginary coffee date, I'd then tell you that my romantic life has been a little crazy lately. Oh the stories I have to tell. I'd tell you the stories in turn with your story but for now, these stories are for another post(s).

I'm really looking forward to getting back into this blog. I think it's an outlet that is very much needed and I'm hoping to connect with at least one person through this blog. I've been inspired by a lot of blogs -- specifically lifestyle and sewing blogs -- and would love to do that for someone else.

Until we meet again,

-- J

love: fall-ing.

courtesy of weheartit.com

 

It's that time of the year – no, I’m not talking about Christmas; not that time of the year. The leaves start to change and the chilly weather begins to trickle in bit by bit. The cardigans and heavier sweaters are brought out, every single store is selling some kind of pumpkin spice latte whatevers, and Halloween is on every mind.  

It's all starting to hit me that this whole college thing is real; I'm here for the next four years and no matter how much it seems like it, it's not summer camp. While some friendships become stronger, others start to weaken as we begin to find out more and more about the kind of person they are. Friends start to couple up, everyone's settling into a rhythm, and everything begins to seem more permanent.

That's right, folks. Fall is officially here.

I know, I know. I have a Romanticist's point of view of Fall, but can you blame a girl if she wants to sit on a bench in Central Park while a rich, golden orange colored leaves fall around her as "Autumn in New York" plays in the background? What can I say? I love a good Louis/Ella duet.

There’s always this feeling of nostalgia and ending when Fall comes. On second thought, I take that back. The arrival of Fall signifies and ending and a new beginning. We say goodbye to those glorious, hot, careless summer days, and invite that sometimes cold, sometimes breezy Fall weather in along with that warm, fuzzy feeling that makes you just want to curl up with a boy and a good sweater.

I don’t know about you guys, but Fall is always on top of bringing me these two things.

On top of that, Fall, is bringing me something else: the importance of patience.

It all started with Mr. Doe Brown Eyes, a guy that had (and still has) me on the edge of my seat since 'hello'.  It was a wacky scenario. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl talked for the good first half of their time together which surprised girl. Girl only sporadically sees boy, even though they’re in the same major in a very small program. Boy potentially had a girlfriend. Boy did not have a girlfriend. Girl is very, very confused.

Honestly, at the beginning, I was frustrated. It seemed so simple! I wasn’t crazy about this hot and cold thing, and I was pretty sure that the hot and cold thing barely had anything to do with me. After feeling like it had been a lot of work on my part and very little on his, I decided to call it quits, and just wait it out for a while. The plan was to get him out of my system completely. At the time, it was possible he had a girlfriend and the plan was working… until I found out he didn’t. By that time, I was entertained by the possibility but quickly reminded myself not to get too wrapped up. Right now, especially at the beginning of my journey, the last thing I needed to do was emotionally entangle myself with someone that didn’t quite seem available yet – actually, emotionally, etc.

With Mr. Doe Brown Eyes, I’m learning how to patient. Now may not be a good time, which means all I can do is not get too attached, and wait for a better time. If there is no better time, that’s okay as well. Whether or not there is a right time for us romantically, I can't help but love the emotionally guarded. I'm not quite sure whether it's the appeal of the challenge or love to be that person for someone, but I somehow can't resist.

And Mr. Doe Brown Eyes is one guarded fella.

Until next time.

-- J

love: the hookup culture

What used to seem so strange is now a common phrase: “Oh, no. I’m not the relationship type.” Now, call me old fashioned, but what is so wrong with relationships nowadays? I was reading an article in The Atlantic about “the hook up culture” and as a college student, couldn’t help thinking about the idea.

Now let me get this straight. I don’t have a problem at all with hookups. This is not a post to bash them. To be honest, hookups are harmless when both parties agree for them to be no strings attached. The story goes like this: boy meets girl. Girl and boy flirt. Boy and girl kiss (or more). And then boy and girl aren't required to necessarily see or hear from each other again.

But still, there is that rush and happy afterglow from kissing someone new for the first time; You've been flirting with a guy all evening and finally, you've won your chase. And let's be honest, it's just plain fun. On top of that, hookups come with that feeling you get when you're control. For a lot of us girls, it used to be the guys breaking our hearts because they weren’t the relationship type. I don’t know about you guys, but those were the boy-lessons learned in high school for me. But now the tables are turned. We’re on the same page and are equal players in their game.

It’s a win-win situation, right?

I’m not too sure.

Call me a sucker for romance, but I sure while it’s all fun and games, what doesn't come with it, is the ever-lingering butterflies, blushing, and courting till the end of the day -- day after day. Yes, I do suffer from school-girl-crushitis.

Just last weekend, I met a guy at a party -- we'll call him Roux for anonymity -- and we hit it off pretty quickly. The next thing I knew, Roux and I were kissing in the kitchen while everyone else was otherwise occupied. I guess this was our way of getting to know each other. I thought of making contact the next day, but dismissed the idea. What Roux and I had was great chemistry, not "true love", and I was perfectly okay with that.

But while waking up the next morning and recalling the events of the previous night, I had a thought. In the moment, yes, it was quite enjoyable, but in the long run, I realized a hookup would only provide me with temporary happiness. Why is it that hookups are something that seem so satisfying in today's modern world? Have we really let ourselves simply follow our impulses and how do our feelings play into them? Is what we want as human beings changing?

 

And I realized another thing this weekend. At the heart of the matter, I really am a relationship girl.

For now,

-- J

listen: that morning sky gave me a look...

"Half Moon" by Blind Pilot

"So hold high, have faith, your reasons/Don't you forget you come from nothing..."

 

I chose "Half Moon" by Blind Pilot to kick start Music Mondays because for me, it marks a beginning. The sound itself makes me feel refreshed - as if I've gotten a fresh start; clean slate. It reminds me of morning - just that feeling you have when you first get up. It's the start of a new day and you can tackle anything. It reminds me of the sounds of birds chirping and that crisp morning air that you know will only last for a little longer.

It's nice to have some good alternative pop that isn't too "hipster" (nothing against hipster music. I'm just not a huge fan) It's a new school year and fall is looming. So for all those ready for a clean slate, give it a listen...

 

- J